donutsweeper (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
donutsweeper) wrote2007-08-23 09:47 am
donutsweeper) wrote2007-08-23 09:47 am
The Case of the Chocoholic Squirrel
Title: The Case of the Chocoholic Squirrel
Pairing/Rating/Warning: None, rated G
Word Count: 626
Summary: Owen and Jack are on a stakeout of a chocoholic squirrel
Author's Notes: Written for the![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bringthehappy prompt "Chocoholic Squirrel" as requested by danu_mactire
Jack had finally gone mental. Off the deep end. Nutters. Absolutely bloody insane.
It had started innocently enough, Tosh had been reading the newspaper article out loud and suddenly Jack got it in his head to fly to Helsinki to investigate. So here we are, standing in the rain, freezing our bloody arses off on a stakeout. Of a squirrel. A stupid bloody chocoholic squirrel. Everyone else thought it was cute. Everyone else laughed. But not his royal bloody Harkness. Oh no, he got all serious. He demanded we check it out. Not the girls, not the tea-boy, just us. So here we are. In bloody Finland, waiting for some stupid squirrel to sneak into a shop and steal one of the chocolate candies like it had been doing for every day for weeks now.
Bloody nutter. There better be hazard pay for this. Who the hell cares if some stupid squirrel is snitching some chocolate? I should be in bed right about now. Or in someone’s bed. Or at least in Cardiff. Not in here. In the rain. Waiting for a squirrel. Just when I think this job can’t get any weirder here we are, armed to the teeth about to confront a stupid, chocolate stealing squirrel. And Harkness won’t say why. Oh, he’d said something, but it was in that damn cryptic Harkness-speak that never actually amounted to actual information and was utterly useless.
God I’m bored. Where’s a weevil attack when you need one?
What the hell is so dangerous about a chocolate addicted squirrel anyway? I mean really, what the hell? Is the sugar rush going to force a glycemic overdose and cause it to go on a killing spree? Or is it some weird version of that sex gas that infected Carys, but causes the munchies instead? Oh yeah Harper, that’s bloody likely. Alien gas infected squirrels taking over the world one chocolate at a time. Now you’re sounding as mental as Jack.
Speaking of Jack... where the hell did he go? He had been leaning against that wall... Shit. I better find him. Losing your Captain probably breaks some major rule in surveillance. And besides, he has the plane tickets. Where... Wait, that sounds like Jack...
“I mean it Murray, this is the last warning you’ll get!”
Peering around the corner I see Jack threatening a squirrel with a huge pulse cannon. The little thing’s just sitting there, staring at him.
“Jack... what the hell...” But Jack doesn’t even flinch.
“Draw your weapon Owen.” The squirrel slowly turns towards me. “Now, Owen.”
Jack sounds so serious that I figure I’ll humor him so I pull out my handgun. I swear the stupid squirrel is laughing at me.
“Murray...” Jack says, and I hear the hum of the cannon powering up. “I mean it...”
The squirrel tilts its head slightly, then slowly turns around and runs to a bush. Just before it slips under the leaves I could swear it sticks its tongue out us.
I start to ask Jack, “Did you see...” but then the bush starts shaking and suddenly there’s this big whoosh sound and a wild wind blows up. And then the bush is gone. Just gone. “What... What...”
Jack clicks off the pulse cannon and says, “Don’t read any of my memos?” Then he turns around and walks off.
I just stand there for a second, looking at the empty spot where the bush had been, and at the pile of chocolate wrappers sitting there now. I have no idea what the hell just happened here and I have the feeling I never will. Not unless I want to wade through all those memos anyway. Maybe ignorance is bliss...
I need a drink.
And maybe some chocolate.
Pairing/Rating/Warning: None, rated G
Word Count: 626
Summary: Owen and Jack are on a stakeout of a chocoholic squirrel
Author's Notes: Written for the
bringthehappy prompt "Chocoholic Squirrel" as requested by danu_mactireJack had finally gone mental. Off the deep end. Nutters. Absolutely bloody insane.
It had started innocently enough, Tosh had been reading the newspaper article out loud and suddenly Jack got it in his head to fly to Helsinki to investigate. So here we are, standing in the rain, freezing our bloody arses off on a stakeout. Of a squirrel. A stupid bloody chocoholic squirrel. Everyone else thought it was cute. Everyone else laughed. But not his royal bloody Harkness. Oh no, he got all serious. He demanded we check it out. Not the girls, not the tea-boy, just us. So here we are. In bloody Finland, waiting for some stupid squirrel to sneak into a shop and steal one of the chocolate candies like it had been doing for every day for weeks now.
Bloody nutter. There better be hazard pay for this. Who the hell cares if some stupid squirrel is snitching some chocolate? I should be in bed right about now. Or in someone’s bed. Or at least in Cardiff. Not in here. In the rain. Waiting for a squirrel. Just when I think this job can’t get any weirder here we are, armed to the teeth about to confront a stupid, chocolate stealing squirrel. And Harkness won’t say why. Oh, he’d said something, but it was in that damn cryptic Harkness-speak that never actually amounted to actual information and was utterly useless.
God I’m bored. Where’s a weevil attack when you need one?
What the hell is so dangerous about a chocolate addicted squirrel anyway? I mean really, what the hell? Is the sugar rush going to force a glycemic overdose and cause it to go on a killing spree? Or is it some weird version of that sex gas that infected Carys, but causes the munchies instead? Oh yeah Harper, that’s bloody likely. Alien gas infected squirrels taking over the world one chocolate at a time. Now you’re sounding as mental as Jack.
Speaking of Jack... where the hell did he go? He had been leaning against that wall... Shit. I better find him. Losing your Captain probably breaks some major rule in surveillance. And besides, he has the plane tickets. Where... Wait, that sounds like Jack...
“I mean it Murray, this is the last warning you’ll get!”
Peering around the corner I see Jack threatening a squirrel with a huge pulse cannon. The little thing’s just sitting there, staring at him.
“Jack... what the hell...” But Jack doesn’t even flinch.
“Draw your weapon Owen.” The squirrel slowly turns towards me. “Now, Owen.”
Jack sounds so serious that I figure I’ll humor him so I pull out my handgun. I swear the stupid squirrel is laughing at me.
“Murray...” Jack says, and I hear the hum of the cannon powering up. “I mean it...”
The squirrel tilts its head slightly, then slowly turns around and runs to a bush. Just before it slips under the leaves I could swear it sticks its tongue out us.
I start to ask Jack, “Did you see...” but then the bush starts shaking and suddenly there’s this big whoosh sound and a wild wind blows up. And then the bush is gone. Just gone. “What... What...”
Jack clicks off the pulse cannon and says, “Don’t read any of my memos?” Then he turns around and walks off.
I just stand there for a second, looking at the empty spot where the bush had been, and at the pile of chocolate wrappers sitting there now. I have no idea what the hell just happened here and I have the feeling I never will. Not unless I want to wade through all those memos anyway. Maybe ignorance is bliss...
I need a drink.
And maybe some chocolate.
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Great Owen voice.
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(Anonymous) 2007-08-23 04:32 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
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Great fic!
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I dont think Ill look at a squirrel without laughing or wondering were Jack may be.. ^___^
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I love Owen and this was perfect Owen speak.
And Jack threatening an alien squirrel with a spaceship disguised as a bush???
*snorfle*
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Loved it
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This gets the 1_mad_squirrel seal of approval. ;-)
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and a squirrel named Murray???
LMAO *Scrapes myself off the floor.*
I was going to do a small britpick for the phrase 'chocolate candies' but then I remembered it was eating those blasted Kinder egg thingies...
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And if you do ever notice any britspeak problems in any of my entries please do tell me.
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Thanks for the permission to do so...
But you can so get away with that one as Kinder eggs are about as much like chocolate as a cardboard
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And I'm serious about the corrections, I don't work with a beta so I can never tell if my writings are too American or not.
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And besides, he has the plane tickets.
LOL! Good to see that Owen has his priorities straight!
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Peering around the corner I see Jack threatening a squirrel with a huge pulse cannon. The little thing’s just sitting there, staring at him.
This is my very favorite part. Perfectly timed comedy! And I like that the Intelligent & Dangerous Squirrel question is not actually answered.
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http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/12/18/funny-pictures-secret-squirrel-training-facility/
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