Alphabet Soup

[donutsweeper]

Title: Alphabet Soup
Pairing/Warning/Rating: None, rated G
Word Count: 640
Beta: smithy161
Summary: Jack discovers that his team has a certain pastime when it comes to tracking his deaths.
Author's Note: A birthday present for the wonderiffic _medley_, because what's a birthday without a few laughs?

On his way back from changing into clean clothes, Jack was slightly suspicious when he heard something that sounded like giggling from the others.  He stopped mid-stride when Owen called out, “Oi, it counts!  We’re up to ‘M’ now.”

Careful to stay out of sight, Jack continued to listen in as Gwen argued, “No.  It doesn’t count, it has to be alphabetical order.  We agreed.”

“It did follow in alphabetical order, he was lynched!”  Owen sounded very smug.

“No, he was hung.  Again.  That’s a repeat of ‘H’ which means we start again.”  Jack rubbed his neck thinking back on his recent death.  He wondered what exactly it must be that they were arguing about.  Why would it matter if he had been hung or lynched?

“Nope, I looked it up.  Definitely lynched.”  Owen paused and Jack could hear frantic typing.  “See,” Owen was obviously reading off the computer screen now, “it says ‘to put to death, especially by hanging, by mob action and without legal authority.’  That’s what happened.”

“Tosh?”  Gwen called out.  “You’re the list keeper here.  What’s your opinion?”

There was a pause before Tosh replied, “He’s right.  So, what should we call it?  Lynched by a lecherous legion?”

Gwen groaned, but it was drowned out by Owen’s laughter.  “That’s bad, Tosh,” she said when Owen had quieted down, “even for you.”

“So, what do we have so far?”  Ianto joined the others, carrying a something that rattled a bit.  Jack assumed it was the afternoon round of coffees. 

“Well,” Tosh began, “are you sure we should be counting that time you and he...”  Jack realized that Ianto must have nodded because then she began reading off a list of his recent deaths. “Autoerotic asphyxiation.”  There was more laughing from both Owen and Gwen at that.  Jack felt himself flush over the thought that Ianto had told the others about that little mishap, but didn’t have a chance to think on it further before the list continued.  “Bludgeoned by a bugle.”

“Oh, now that one was a classic!”  Owen sniggered, only to be hushed by Ianto.

“Are you going to keep interrupting me?”

“Sorry Tosh.”  Owen didn’t sound the least bit contrite.  “Go on.”

“Choked on a chestnut....”

“I thought we were going with ‘cut’ for that one?”  Gwen interrupted.  “That Crespallion nearly cut his head off trying to help.”

“He choked before being cut, but I think either one would work in that case,” Ianto explained, “besides, does it really matter?”

“No.” Jack was pretty sure Gwen shrugged her shoulders as she spoke.  “I suppose not.”

“So, where were we?  Ummm,” Tosh searched her place on the list she was reading from, “discovering defenestration, then there was that extraterrestrial echidna-like thing exsanguinating him, followed by being flattened by a falling fardel.”  All four members of his team snickered at that death.  Jack didn’t know what they found so funny, how was he supposed to have known that such a small cute little thing could have such sharp spines?  And who really expects a twenty eight kilo bundle of futuristic rebar to randomly slip through the rift to land on top of them?  “Garroted by a Gorgon.”  Jack nearly interrupted them then; it wasn’t a Gorgon per se, rather one of the race of creatures on which the Greeks based the myth.  “Then he was hung by the Horda.  Immolated to Isis....”  Okay, now that was taking things a bit too far.   He hadn’t had a choice, either chose to sacrifice himself on the pyre or all of Earth would have been burned.

Jack decided that a good, strong drink was in order.  With a shake of his head,  Jack left them to have their fun and headed back to his office.  Tosh’s voice drifting behind him,  “After that came the time he was jettisoned from that junker...”

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_medley_/]

Bwahaha! Oh, that's fantastic. *wipes eyes* Poor Jack. *goes into mad giggling again*

(And if anybody could get lynched by a lecherous legion, it would be Jack. Although for some reason the futuristic rebar is hilarious. It's just...I dunno, rebar.)

Thank you so much! *BIG HUGS* Happy, happy birthday to me! *still giggling*

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

*bounce* YAY!!! *bounce* Happy Birthday!!! *bounce*

*hugs you back*

[travels-in-time.livejournal.com]

You never fail to make me smile. *passes you donuts* *passes Jack some too, in sympathy*

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

*vbg* That's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten!

Poor Jack, I bet he could use a hug too!

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

lolol Awesome.

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[unfeathered]

That is hilarious! Poor Jack. What a time he's had!

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

All the more reason to hug him, my dear! :)

[rustydog.livejournal.com]

Now that's the way to deal with all those deaths. A game! Hee. I hope this was as fun to write as it was to read!

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

It was! although it was a little weird coming up with the list all sorts of deaths.

me to hubby: Okay, asphyxiation, bludgeoning, choking... what other ways are there to kill people?

hubby (eying me nervously): Why?

[rustydog.livejournal.com]

Hee! Yeah, I'm sure it sounded a bit odd. *g*

[chatona.livejournal.com]

*giggles* ♥

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

Can't go wrong with a little silliness, right? :)

[the-dark-side.livejournal.com]

Brilliant!

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

*bows* thanks!

[aeron-lanart.livejournal.com]

Oh that's brilliant. I love Jack being flustered by the first one. Discovering Defenestration *snorfle*

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

If anyone, anyone, is going to have the ignominious death of defenestration, it would be Jack, wouldn't it? I still can't believe there is a word in the English language for that. :)

[mad-jaks.livejournal.com]

It's your list fic *bounces* You got the falling fardel in :D (I don't know what a rebar is - am I being dim??)

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

I honestly never thought I could make anything out of the list, I'd only been occassionally working on it for the silliness factor, then I was trying to come up with something for Melody's birthday and it all clicked.

rebar (short of reinforcing bar I believe) is that steel bar that is used to strengthen concrete and help give it structure. Ever see pictures of a building being built and it looks like a bunch of metal bars originally? That's rebar

[phoenix64.livejournal.com]

Awesome! *hugs Jack in, uh, sympathy, yeah, sympathy*

I agree that the futuristic rebar is particularly nifty, though I worry about the budgie.

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

Hugging in sympathy *nods* That's nice of you.

He was beaten with a bugle (the musical instrument) not a budgie (the bird)

[laurab1.livejournal.com]

Ha! Brilliant :)

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

*g* thanks, glad you liked it!

[kaatwings.livejournal.com]

Cool! It's the Nodwick version of Jack's deaths! Awesome!

And may I say that I've been reading my way through your fics and they're wonderful? (And are we getting a sequel to the Jack is Tony's dad story?)

[donutsweeper.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it! And thanks!

I may write more of Jack as Tony's dad, I just need to have the proper plotbunny bite me