donutsweeper

Ikea wins

You are already running late when two of the whirling dervishes you sometimes refer to as your cats chased each other into the bathroom and smash into the shower curtain having it crash down on you and them just as you are trying to get the shampoo out of your eyes. Evil nutjobs proceed to get caught up the said curtain, become soaking wet (as, oddly enough, the water is running since you were taking a shower and all...) try to levitate out of the bathtub only to crash into the various shampoo/conditioner/body wash bottles, which clatter everywhere, startling them further sending them into the towel rack and then to bounce off the wall and then one falls into the toilet, the other knocks over the trash can and they tear out of the room leaving a trail of toilet paper and wet fur in their wake.


Some days there is not enough coffee in the WORLD to deal with it properly.

gakked from captain_tiv

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a phrase is unexpected and causes the reader to reframe or reinterpret the first part.

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1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

7. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

8. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

13. Always borrow money from a pessimist.. He won't expect it back.

14. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

15. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

16. I used to think I was indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

17. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

18. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

19. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

20. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If a kid comes running in from outside cupping something in their hands and asks if you'd like to see the answer is not only "no" but also "take it back outside this instant."

Despite appearances, salad dressing bottles do not make good lightsabers.

Salad dressing does come off windows with some elbow grease. However, it does not come off ceilings easily.

Oddly enough, the cat does not like to wear shorts on his head.

I just gave the cat a small piece of chicken. He accidentally dropped it on his tail.

He saw where it landed and started going in a circle to get it.

And circled and circled and circled....

I should feel bad at laughing. Really.

We went out for Chinese food tonight. The fortune read:

Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies.

I feel vaguely cheated.

According to the advertisement the local supermarket had cantaloupes on sale, but I didn't see them anywhere.  So I asked a person working in the produce section where the cantaloupes would be.  He pointed to a large bin.  I went and looked, but the bin was empty.  I went back and said to him "there aren't any cantaloupes there!"  to which he responded, "Well, you asked where the cantaloupes would be.  That's where the cantaloupes would be if we had any, but we don't, we're all out."

I did not expect a lesson in semantics at 10 at night in the grocery store!

Someone put the link to this on fanficrants , it's hysterical:

( cut to spare f-list )

I love America...

"David Csaky,  known as "Squirrelman" to his Seattle neighbors, has been living in a homemade tree house with million-dollar views of a lake and Seattle's Queen Anne Hill for the past three years, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "I was happy as hell," Csaky, 52, told the paper. But his joy has come to an end as officials kicked him off of his perch, constructed on other people's property....Squirrelman has nowhere to go. Officials have approached him with a list of shelters that don't accept pets — Csaky lives with pet rat "Lucky," a ferret named "Rainbow" and an off-balance squirrel called "Tilt" — but all Squirrelman really wants is to live it out for a few more years in his handmade home, the paper said."  (See article for more)

Murry is keeping his eye on this story!